It started when my cousin had her son in July, I fell in love with him and that got the baby fever started. My finace and I had decided that we were at point in our lives that we wanted to add to our family. We each have a daughter from previous relationships. So I would get off birth control and saw what would happen, I started taking folic acid, stop drinking  caffeine we started eating healthier, we wanted to start things of right. I work in a clinic as an OB screening nurse, about a month later I was at work, around lunch time I was feeling off. My head was hurting and I was so sleepy I felt like I could barely keep my eyes open, I took something for the headache then went to lunch. I know my body pretty well so I was really skeptical to take a pregnancy test but I did. When to my surprise there were the two pink lines, I actually couldn’t believe it so I took three more and all of them where positive. So I text my fiancé that we needed to talk when I got home from work. I showed him the test and I was still in shock so I took three more. Slowly my shock wore down and we were able to celebrate. Our baby was due June 2, we were beyond excited, my fiancé and both of our daughters birthdays where in June so one more was even better.

My fiancé was so excited that he wanted to tell everyone that he saw on the street, but being a nurse I told him that we needed to wait till I was further along because anything could happen.( I had the speech I told all the pregnant woman I screened memorized,  what things are normal, healthy things to eat, take your vitamin and what was not normal and what to do if it happened.) So I told him we were allowed to tell  only one person until I had my first doctor’s appointment. We each told our best friends.

I was two weeks pregnant when we started to make plans for the future of this little person, that was going to be a part of both of us. My fiancé was so into the pregnancy he made sure I took my vitamins, made sure I was eating right, he had even downloaded a pregnancy app that would give tips and show pictures of what the baby and my body was doing. We had decided that we were going to  move back to my home town, because we didn’t raise a family in the city. We found a house, he found another job, I was looking for work close to the house, everything was going good. I was one of the lucky ones like my first pregnancy I had no symptoms only being really tired and so far this pregnancy was going the same. We made it to my first doctor’s appointment 6 weeks later, my fiance was asking all the right questions, he even showed the doctor the app he had downloaded. The appointment went great, we were scheduled to come back in two weeks for a follow appointment. We started picking names, we started saving money, looking at cribs and car seats, we would lay in bed and wonder who that little person would look like.

The following week on October 25th,  things were normal as usual, that morning I had woke up with a  pain to my groin area, I had brushed it off as a pulled muscle because I had worked out the night before. When I got to work I started having mild cramps, in the back of my mind my OB speech started up. But I once again brushed it off. (All I could do was think, it  can’t happen to me). At lunch I went to the restroom and when I checked I was spotting and the cramps where stronger. An hour later I checked again and I wiped red, my heart dropped at that moment. I remember trying to dial my doctors number and my hands shaking bad. They told me to come in and they would do a blood draw and check my HCG levels. I found my boss, let her know what was happening and left to the clinic. I finally called my fiancé and told him what was going on, I did the best I could and kept calm trying not to scare him, while I was screaming inside. He had just started a new job and was on his second day of work. He kept telling me that he was going to leave and meet me at the clinic. But I told him not to, because he had just started and that more than likely it was a false alarm.

My cramps started turning into painful stabs and with each stab of pain came the fear. The drive to the clinic was the longest drive of my life. I prayed to God, I prayed to every saint I could think of, I even prayed a full rosary, before I got to the clinic, I bargained with God to please let me not lose my baby. Once I got there I had the sudden urge to urinate, when I went, that’s where it happened. I had a complete miscarriage in the bathroom of my clinic, I started sobbing inconsolably.  I went to the nurse and I told her, she lead me to one of the exam rooms and thats when my doctor came in all I could do was shake my head when he look at me. He sat down next to me and gave me some comforting words. But nothing could fill the emptiness that I felt in my body the urge that my baby was missing. The ache in my heart that was threating to destroy me at that very moment, was unbearable. I left the clinic and call my fiancé and broke the news to him. He was devastated, but I kept calm and told him that I was ok, that it was something that I couldn’t have stopped from happening. He wanted to rush home but I told him to stay at work, I could hear his heart drop in his voice. I told him I would go home and that I wanted to just be alone. When I got home my pain had gotten worse, I passed what was left in my uterus. I cried myself to sleep that night hoping that when I woke up it was just a nightmare. But I never woke up from the nightmare.

 

The next week at work, I went to my office and was getting ready for my appointments. All of a sudden I felt like  that the walls of the office where going to crumble down on me. The rage that I felt because all of these women that where there to get there first OB check-up and I had nothing. These women that where coming in with a late pregnancy and no prenatal care, these woman that where on their 5th or 6th pregnancy . What about me? What did I do to deserve the pain that I felt, I did everything right, I had dreams and hopes for that little person that was no longer in me.

I wouldn’t talk to my fiancé about, I couldn’t begin to understand that he was hurting to, almost as much as I was. Till the day he broke down and admitted just how much pain he was in to. That he was trying to keep it together while I felt that my world was falling apart. Only until then did we try and move forward. Months have passed and the pain has gotten just a little less, but there are moments when out of nowhere the pain comes and hits me, I look at the calender and I think we would have know the sex of our baby. Or it feels like everywhere you go there are babies every where. At that time two of my sisters-in-laws had just had babies and i couldn’t bring myself to go to their homes, because I couldn’t bare the pain i felt, the jealously and envy, that why them and not me. At first I didn’t want to even think about trying again, I didn’t want to ever get pregnant again. But then I would get moments where all I wanted was to be pregnant and feel how I had before. It’s been four months and I believe that I’m actually ready to try again. But I still have that fear in me, what if? What if October 25th repeats itself, I’m I strong enough to handle it?

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