No I did not lose “my daughter” but I watched my daughter lose her daughter. And it was the cruelest, hardest thing I have ever experienced.
These are the words I typed on my phone sitting on the floor in the corner of my daughters hospital room (the first of many to come):
“As pieces of my heart fall out through my tears I try and comprehend how to witness my baby girl lose her baby girl.
The cruelty of her labour drains every ounce of peace from my soul and I try not to question God.
With everything in me I’m fighting it but the questions keep rolling from my thoughts nonetheless,
as I’m sure many others all over the world have/will/and are doing the same.
Forgive me God for doing so.”
There are words that repeat in my mind, they haunt me, they steal joy from me daily…
“Mom…they can’t find a heartbeat. I’m on my way to the hospital.” She says with a fearful quivering voice on the phone.
“I’m on my way” I assure her.
At that moment I remember thinking, this is not happening, she will get to the hospital and they will find a heartbeat. They have to, she already lost one baby to miscarriage. She’s due in 2 weeks! This is a full term baby! I had her at 38 weeks!
I made many calls on the way to the hospital, it was a 45 minute drive.
I pleaded for prayers knowing God would answer. I called my husband and my oldest daughter who was also pregnant. I cried and begged God to perform a miracle.
Then as I rushed from my car to find my daughter and son in law, my phone rang. It was my son in law….my heart sank as I answered fearfully “Hello.”
“Where are you? We really need you here.”
Time suddenly stopped.
“I’m here, I’m trying to find you” I was short of breath as I was running and terrified of what he was about to say next.
“They confirmed NO HEARTBEAT…”
How can the world spin out of control at the same moment time stops!
I don’t know, but it happened.
(I hear this conversation over and over in my mind. It’s set on repeat and I can’t make it stop.)
I found their room with a strange card taped to the door (I had no idea what that meant until later) I opened the door and there were these two heartbroken babies alone in a room with the reality of tragedy staring them in the face. Her belly still appearing full of life but her face appearing dead. Emotions were hard to grasp, which one is the strongest…fear,grief,anxiety,sadness,anger…hopelessness!?!?
I wondered how they would handle such devastation, how would any of us handle it.
Norah Jean was born sleeping in Jesus July 28th, 2013.
The day our lives changed forever.
We each held her, we took in as much detail of her little face as we could, knowing we would never see it again. We cried, hugged each other, tried to comfort each other and wondered what would happen next. I so wanted to comfort my daughter but was so broken myself I couldn’t fathom how.
No we never heard her voice or saw her eyes open but we had dreams of her. We had already dreamed and imagined how it would be with her in our lives, we pictured holidays and birthdays, imagined dance classes and shopping sprees, I had already planned outings, sleepovers and family portraits.
She is/was my first granddaughter I was so excited I had planned out the next year. You can’t just delete that from your mind. Now we had a face to go with those dreams a face that will never age, a face we will try hard not to forget.
November 1st my oldest daughter delivered our second granddaughter and she is beautiful and healthy and brings us much joy. But for every moment of joy with her there is a moment of heartache that coexists. Norah should be here and my heart knows she is missing.
We were expecting a rainbow baby in December but I received a phone call from my daughter on May 27th “mom” her voice sounded funny but I still did not comprehend what was happening.
“I don’t have a baby anymore” I found myself in quicksand “what, how, what?”
“NO HEARTBEAT” those dreaded words worked there way into our lives again.
There is nothing I can do to take the hurt away from my daughter and son in law, I am helpless in this (I CANT DO ANYTHING) I could give everything I have (even my life) but it wouldn’t change anything. So as a mother you know how strong our desire and instincts are to protect and comfort our children at any cost…imagine there is NO cost great enough. I can’t fix it.
Norah Jean Thomason’s meme.