4.5 years ttc, 3 IUIs, 8 IVFs, 3 (documented) losses.  I wrote this letter to our first lost baby on our due date: 10/16/10

Dear Baby L,

Today is the day that we were supposed to meet you. We were supposed to wake up with fear and fall asleep with pride. We’ll never get to swaddle you or hold you. I’ll never get to see your Daddy put on your diaper backwards. I want so badly to touch your soft skin. I want to hear your sweet cooing. I want to smell your new skin. I want to teach you how to be kind. I want to help you with your homework. I want to put band aids on all your boo boos. I’m really good at scaring boogie monsters. You’ll never get to try adult food for the first time. You’ll never take your first steps. We never get to argue who will wake up for a night time feeding. I imagine watching you sitting next to your Daddy while he plays his guitar and sings you a song. You’ll never get to meet your fur brothers. I want to sing with you. I want to dance like a crazy people in the living room. I want to drop you off at school and give you a big hug and kiss….to the point where your cheeks are flushed with embarrassment and you say “Not here Mom!”. You’ll never get to see San Diego, where Mommy and Daddy fell in love. I want you to be able to love your aunts and uncles as much as we do. I want to yell at your aunts for spoiling you. I want to drop you off at your grandparents and come back to find out they fed you something I would never allow you to have. I want you to go to College or open a business or do what ever it is you want to do. I want to yell at you for being late. I want to cry when you tell me that you don’t need me. We’re sad that you’ll never experience love but know, even without you here, you’re loved more than anyone could ever love you. I know you’re being taken care of by Papa. I’m sure he’s blowing your mind with his golf ball trick. I’m sure Nana is making you pizzelles and Gramp is teaching you about grapes. I’m sure Dwyane is teaching you the ins and outs of football and telling you embarrassing stories about our college days. I know that Rusty is playing with you and making you laugh with his doggie smile trick. Its comforting to know that you are being taken care of.

I love you,

Mommy

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